Day 1: Nevertheless, she persisted
A pink sun peeks out from smoke billowing past the freeway. It’s slightly reminiscent of San Francisco fog until I remember the “extremely unhealthy” air quality warning from the acres of trees burning to the ground. The temperature reads 111 degrees. Fun!!! I settle into my Best Western located next to a gas station, and turn on Diners, Drive-ins and Dives, comforted by the bleach blonde spikes of Guy Fieri. This is peak America.
After 15 traffic-riddled hours in the car, I finally make it to my parent’s house, eager to briefly escape climate change devastation by distracting myself with burgers. Is the meat industry one of the top contributors to the problem? Well, that’s beside the point…
The Non-Existent Lunch Burger
It wouldn’t be burger week without a little *drama*. This time, it doesn’t come in the form of long lines or low stock, but Les Schwab. During my drive up, I ignored all signs of car deterioration, praying I’d make it to Oregon in one piece. The good news is I survived. The bad news is my car (almost) didn’t.
I blindly trust Les Schwab Tire Center because of their annual “Free Beef February” campaign, when you would get free beef if you bought a new set of tires. However, it turns out the promotion ended in 2011. Alas, there will be no beef for me, only bankruptcy.
After multiple lengthy conversations with the service center, they hit me with a whopping $3000 bill, and it will take all day for them to finish the work. Without a car, I can’t make it to my lunch destination. I try not to cry when I think about all the burgers that money could buy…
Nevertheless, she persisted.
For me, returning to Burger Week 2021 is like when Michael Jordan came out of retirement. All those takeout burgers, and I thought I lost my passion. I’m rusty – right off the bench, and barely able to string sentences together. Off my game and out of practice, I don’t know if my stomach can handle 2-4 burgers a day anymore. At this point, I don’t even know what restaurants still exist in Portland. But I’m ready for a shot at another championship (onion) ring.
I found this Michael Jordan basketball card that I got in 1998 from a ball park hotdog package in my childhood bedroom.
My plans to ease back into Burger Week were thwarted when my scheduled restaurant was allegedly closed, according to Google Maps. The meticulously planned spreadsheet of burgers already failed me.
Nevertheless, she persisted.
Bar Bar
I had to call in an expert for guidance. OG Burger Week connoisseur and co-writer, Nick Nanpei, informs me he’s at Bar Bar with our former coworker John Lumpkin, and his friend. I finally get my hands on my first burger, and my stress melts away like the fontina cheese topping.
The Bar Bar “Encore” Burger
The Bar Bar Encore Burger has melty fontina cheese, truffle salt, and house-made roasted garlic aioli with diced onions and shredded lettuce on a potato bun. As always, I love the signature Bar Bar potato bun, but the rest of the burger is lackluster. It was a bit dry, and there was no flavor or excitement (just like my love life…ba dum tsss). The burger left me wishing for a certain je ne sais quoi. And yes, I had to look up how to spell “je ne sais quoi” and then copy and paste it into this blog entry. I rate it a 5/10.
Holy Goat
Our friends don’t have the same intrinsic burger determination that separates Nick and me as Burger Week royalty, so they peel off. Nick and I want to try the Haymaker burger, but again, Google Maps allegedly reports it is closed.
We continue to Holy Goat instead. Based on pictures alone, this burger piqued my interest. We’re greeted with a line out the door. “This can either be a good sign or a bad sign,” muses Nick. You can feel the frenzy inside as the bartenders frantically place orders while making complicated drinks. After waiting a bit, Nick decides the line is too daunting and heads home.
Nevertheless, she persisted.
Left alone in the line, naturally, I eavesdrop on the conversation in front of me. It appears to be a couple on a first date. The guy asks what her favorite color is. Unenthusiastically, she responds, “purple, I guess.” They stand in painful silence. I think to myself, perhaps it’s better to burger alone…
The Holy Goat Kefalotyri Burger is a Greek-inspired creation with grilled Kefalotyri cheese, roasted tomatoes, caramelized onion, and spinach dressed with a cilantro-lime vinaigrette. The cheese was interesting. I’ve never tried Kefalotyri and it was chewier than I anticipated, almost like a mozzarella stick. However, the caramelized onions paired with the dressed spinach and burger juices made it a little too damp. Overall, it was nothing spectacular. I rate it a 6/10.
I unbutton my pants for the drive, loosening my seatbelt so my bloated gut can stretch. My hair smells like burgers, and my stomach is full of that familiar feeling. I am home.
On a final note, my heart goes out to the staff of local restaurants as the food industry struggles to get back on its feet. Almost all of the restaurants are understaffed – there were only two bartenders at Holy Goat working a long line at the height of dinner rush. This year, I feel guilty giving harsh critiques of the burgers because I know it’s a tough time. But my ratings are all subjective and in good fun. Portland has an incredible food scene that never disappoints. Hopefully, Burger Week 2021 inspires more people to try a new restaurant, tip 20-25%, and be a little more patient with the wonderful staff bringing back my favorite tradition.
Nevertheless, they persisted.