Day 2: Patience is a virtue
My childhood bedroom is shrouded in darkness as I sleepily blink my eyes open. With the best of intentions, I had set my alarm for a 7 am bike ride to out-exercise my impending caloric intake. It will come as no surprise that I pressed snooze 4 times, and skipped the ride entirely.
In my old age, my body is increasingly incapable of previous Burger Week functionalities. I only had 2 burgers yesterday, yet I spent the whole night in a fetal position, stomach churning with grease. I have a long week ahead of me, but I must persevere for my fans*
*the 3 people reading this blog
New Seasons
Strategically, I can only select suburb burgers for lunch since I’m on a time crunch. With a few trusted burger sources buzzing about New Seasons, I sneak away from my desk for burger #3.
New Seasons is a grocery store Goliath with 18 stores in the Portland metro area. I pick the one located in a strip mall next to the DMV where I failed my first driver’s permit written test. I remember drinking a Jamba Juice smoothie and sulking in the parking lot with my iPod nano.
I get lost in the store and start to panic, propelling past the fishmonger, pushing over women and children blocking me with their shopping carts, and stomping through the floral section like a hyperactive hyena. Finally, I find a large photo of my prize: the Slaw, Spice & Everything Nice Burger. I also buy a kombucha called “Belly Reset” to be a responsible adult.
Since they have so many locations, the New Seasons burger is usually a forgettable lunch option to easily check off the list and boost up the Burger Week numbers. But this year, they really showed up to play.
New Season’s Slaw Spice & Everything Nice Burger
The Slaw Spice & Everything Nice burger is a beef patty topped with a house-made summer slaw, havarti cheese, and harissa aioli on a brioche bun. At first, I raised my eyebrow at the small to-go box, but upon investigation, it’s a regularly sized burger. The slaw gives it a whisper of health and lightness, so the burger doesn’t feel overwhelming. Instead, it’s weirdly refreshing. I appreciate the daring addition of corn for extra texture and bite interest. The aioli has a nice flavor yet it’s not unbearably spicy, making for an enjoyable eating experience. Good things really do come in small packages. I rate it a 7/10.
Bread & Ink Cafe
Out of the blue, I get a text from my friend Ali Sakai, which rattles me to my core.
A formerly strict pescatarian, Ali claims to eat meat again because she didn’t want to make excess specialized grocery visits while she lived with her parents during the pandemic. Regardless of her reasoning, I will take full credit for her return to the dark side. I know she stalked my burger blog and therefore can’t resist the temptation of that seductive sizzle.
We meet at Bread & Ink Cafe where a horrific, seemingly endless line loops around the block, buzzing with anxious burger-goers. People wait for their food across the street, parked in cars, scattered at packed picnic tables… chaos. It feels like every 3 minutes, another straggler exits the line, victim to impatience.
As we get closer to the front, I see the inefficiencies firsthand. Due to COVID-19 concerns, the outdoor window services 5 different restaurants, and there is only one person taking all the orders and delivering them, causing a blockage as bad as my arteries.
Halfway through the line at Bread & Ink Cafe
After waiting a full hour just to get to the window, we finally place our order. Luckily, the woman working seems completely unfazed by the crowd. A ballpoint pen holds up her frazzled hair. She wears a tie-dye shirt, so you know she’s laid-back and easy-going.
“This is our first burger week, can you tell?” She announces with a sarcastic smile.
We can tell…
“Listen, I’m just gonna say it now – it’s probably gonna be another hour ’til you get your food,” she says in a relaxed drawl that makes me 99.9% sure she was at Woodstock in the 70s.
I do some quick risk analysis in my head: we’ve already gone through an hour of waiting, but a few recognizable faces before us received their food… Will it be worth it? What if I’m disappointed and wasted precious burger time?
We decide to call her bluff. Within 10 minutes, our food arrives. I’m so glad we didn’t fold.
Bread and Ink’s Walla Walla Sweet Onion Smash Burger has not one, but TWO smash burger patties with bacon, Tillamook Cheddar, and onion mixed into the patty. It’s layered with American Cheese and topped with Walla Walla Sweet Onion Rings and Walla Walla Sweet Onion Bacon Jam.
Bread & Ink Cafe Walla Walla Sweet Onion Smashburger
At first glance, I thought I got an accidental piece of fried chicken, but later I realize it’s an onion ring – they batter them so thick and crispy it literally looks like fried chicken. I take my first bite and… OooOOohhhmygahhh it’s amazing. Every bite has impeccable texture, and the melty cheese layers make for a perfect mouthful each time. I rate it a high 9/10 and thank the burger gods for making the horrendous wait worth it. Patience is a virtue.
Home, A Bar
I have a cartoonish pep in my step, giddy with grease. “I feel reinvigorated!” I excitedly exclaim as we walk to Nick’s Coney Island, our second planned restaurant. Right when I utter those formidable words, we reach another test of faith.
There’s a line out the door, this time boasting a slew of larger groups with 6-8 in their party. I don’t even know if I have 6-8 friends! Blinded by our past success, we join the line.
More lines in front of Nick’s Coney Island
Suddenly, the bartender dramatically shouts “Got ’bout 20 burgers left!”
We count 2… 6… 8… we estimate we’re probably 16th in line. Following the declining burger number news, a few larger groups make their exit, causing Ali and me to get overly cocky. We reach the bar, burgers so close, yet so far…
“Only 4 more left, sorry folks”
We do a quick recount. I’m feeling as tense as Steve Kornacki in the 2020 election while I calculate the people-to-burger ratio in real-time. A guy in front of us interrupts my math with a heavy sigh: “we’re not gonna get ‘em.” He’s right: we’re 6th in line. We barely miss the cutoff.
Always the optimist, Ali reminds me that we want the best burger experience, not the last skimped portions of the night. She suggests we try another spot.
Shaken by our defeat, we cautiously approach Home, A Bar. We’re relieved to find no crowds and quickly order to ensure we aren’t vanquished again. Before I can even swipe my credit card, the burger is ready.
Home, A Bar’s Jean Claude Van Wagyu burger
The Jean Claude Van Wagyu burger has a Wagyu patty, dill pickles, garlic aioli, fries, provolone, and creamy peppercorn sauce. Like its namesake, this is a strong contender. I always appreciate the pure innovation of fries inside the burger. I also applaud the layers of pickles both on the bottom AND top bun. I get lost in the sauce, though. There’s far too much seeping in every direction, and this burger will single-handedly cause a spike in napkin supply/demand economics. I rate it an 8/10.
Even with heaping slops of peppercorn sauce seeping through my intestines, I still don’t suffer from a stomach ache. It must have been that “belly reset”. 3 burgers down, and I feel back on my A-game.