Day 7: Burger Week 2021 Final Wrap Up
Although I struggled throughout the week with bike slumps, I stay determined to offload my burger consumption. I agree to a long bike ride with my friend, but only if she promises that we can stop for a burger along the way. We pick a flat loop that will pass by Nick’s Famous Coney Island burger – the one that previously escaped my grasp. Unbeknownst to me, we were in for a long journey ahead.
We had a solid route mapped out, but somewhere along the journey, we got lost in Gresham… Miles from where we need to be, we retrace our map to no avail. As if we’re in a perfectly timed scene from a movie, it starts pouring down rain. We spend the next 20 minutes soaked, battling obstacles like construction zones, and crossing 4 lanes of traffic, barely able to see beyond the monsoon. The wind picks up. I’m freezing, and miserable. There’s only one thing that can save me now.
Nick’s Famous Coney Island (Attempt #2)
After silently struggling for miles, we finally make it back to burger civilization, embraced by the sound of hippie drums. There’s a street fair on Hawthorne. We prance down the sidewalk awkwardly in our bike clip-in shoes, looking like a pair of baby penguins waddling back and forth. With the street fair crowd, I’m worried Nick’s will be sold out again, but I’m pleasantly surprised to find there’s no line. In front of Nick’s Coney Island, there’s a live band playing a cover of Hootie and the Blowfish’s “All for You”. I can’t decide if that’s a good omen or a bad one. Either way, I get secondhand embarrassment from the off-key harmonization.
Nick’s Famous Coney Island “Figgadaboutit” Burger
The Nick’s Famous Coney Island “Figgadaboutit” burger has smoked fig bbq sauce with a goat cheese smear, topped off with pickled red onion and arugula. I have high hopes for this burger because I’m a sucker for the goat cheese and fig combination, but the only flavor that comes through is BBQ sauce. The bun feels like an afterthought, and they skimped on the goat cheese, pickled red onion and arugula. Overall, I give it a 6/10. At the very least, I get some closure from my previous letdown earlier this week – it turns out I didn’t really miss anything.
Portland Burger
Since it’s Sunday, a lot of the restaurants are closed. I’m struck with the cold reality that I won’t get to try the remaining the burgers on my list, and again I’m forced to pivot my plans quickly. I discover Portland Burger is still open. I applaud their cocky “we never run out” statement to Burger Week, taunting the other spots to keep pace.
Earlier in the week, Burger Expert Nick Nanpei informed me Portland Burger (formerly Rock n Roll Chili Pit) is run by one of the original co-owners of Killer Burger. Killer Burger has one of my favorite burgers of all time, however, they’ve since gone the franchise route. A vague blog post buried deep on Portland Burger’s website refers to a “rough, difficult, and ugly separation from our business partners”. My ears prick up at the promise of petty restaurant gossip. After going down an investigative rabbit hole, I find there was a tense lawsuit and a name change involved. Killer Burger claimed the former co-owners “stole” recipes. Regardless of the small court claims, both establishments still boast a great burger, but this is the kind of drama I LIVE for. Bravo, let me know if you’re interested in starting a reality TV show.
Portland Burger’s “Enter Sandman”
Portland Burger’s “Enter Sandman” caught my eye when I first glanced through the list. It didn’t make the final cut since its downtown location isn’t ideal for multiple burger proximity. Also, this burger secretly intimidates me – the photos look incredibly daunting. There’s a lot going on: mango pico de gallo, lime crema, crispy fried onion, lettuce, cheese, house sauce, and mixed berry tequila-margarita lacquer. The mixed berry tequila-margarita lacquer adds a wonderful fruity tanginess. Even though it’s a freakin’ fiesta between buns, the flavors work nicely. What could have been a soggy disaster holds together well with a thick pub bun. It remains intact for every bite. Maybe it’s the miles talking, but I give it a 9/10.
Finally, we’ve reached the moment you’ve all been waiting for… The rankings!
Final Rankings
FIRST PLACE: Hop Capital Brewing PDX - Full Steam Ahead. Winning with deliciousness, memorability, creativity, and “I would eat this everyday of my life” points, this burger wins the coveted prize of first place in my book.
SECOND PLACE: Bread & Ink Cafe - Walla Walla Sweet Onion Smash Burger. Even though the line was rough, this was one of the best burgers of the week – perfect combination of ingredients and flavor. If they added BBQ sauce it probably would have gotten a perfect 10, but nevertheless a top finisher.
THIRD PLACE: Portland Burger - Enter Sandman. This is one of the greatest underdog stories of all time. They weren’t even on my list, but ended up grabbing a high ranking. I loved the creativity and the excitement of ingredients.
HONORABLE MENTION: Brunch Box - Brunch Burger. I went back and forth about where to place this one! Realistically, there was a solid tie for 3rd place. But since this burger was a little reminiscent of the previous breakfast burgers and seems easily replicable, I docked it a few points for creativity. However, it still deserves a very honorable mention.
STATISTICS
Total Burgers Eaten: 15
Total Money Spent: $117.92 (if you don’t count my $3000 Les Schwab bill…)
Total Number of Burger Photos: 58
Total Pounds Lost/Gained: 3 pounds lost! For the 6th year in a row, the Burger Diet™ works.
Total amount of times throwing up: 0! And a bonus for no meat sweats this year.
2020 showed us the world can be a complete nightmare sometimes. Burger Week gives us one fleeting moment to escape through meat, bun, and cheese. I am so thankful for the workers and restaurants who contributed this year, even as the food industry suffers through a still-persistent pandemic. You gifted me the ability to meet up with friends I haven’t seen in years, and feel like nothing changed because we’re sharing a burger together and swapping nonsensical ratings.
Most of the world sees Portland through the dichotic lens of either pretentious Portlandia hipsterdom, or news headlines filled with complex problems, wreckage, and disarray. But there’s so much more to my home city. Its lovable, weird quirks – like an entire population flocking to try as many creative $6 burgers as possible – still make me feel something special about this place. Until we meat again, Burger Week.