Day 5 & 6: Burger Block

I survived 5 full days of grease, sweat, and stomach aches. So far, the meat sweats haven’t made an appearance (yet…) but the Burger Week collapse officially seeps in. Belly full of burgers, my motivation hits an all-time low and I suffer from a slump of Burger Block (aka writer’s block specific to burgers). It feels like my brain has turned into raw beef. My meat receptors and patty neurotransmitters completely malfunction. I’m unable to aptly construe sentences and flavor descriptions. Still, I must push on, slogging through the pain for the sweet reward of exclusive, conceptual burgers only around for one fleeting week.

Day 5

Next Level

I’m in yet another lunchtime crunch with only 30 minutes to spare for a break. One silver lining of Burger Week 2021 is this year’s addition of online ordering capabilities at some restaurants. The catch? There’s only one nearby taking online orders so… I…went to a… vegan… place… *shudder*

This is very hard for me to admit in a public forum. I need you to know that I was in a difficult position, absolutely DESPERATE to get my hands on a burger (desperate in all caps).

Next Level is located inside a Whole Foods so that’s how you know it’s suspect. I roll in sporting my most Portlandia pair of Tevas to fit in with the crowd. The Next Level “Beyond Cluckin’ Good” burger is a vegan (???) fried chicken (????????) burger? They clearly did not understand the assignment. The burger uses Beyond Meat vegan fried chicken tenders, tempeh bacon, vegan nacho cheese, vegan French fries, and vegan chipotle mayo. Say vegan one more time.

*Next Level - Beyond Cluckin’ Good Burger*

The chipotle mayo sauce is flavorful and has a nice kick to it, and I appreciate that they really layered it on thick to drown out the memories of real meat. However, the nuggets and tempeh ruin this experience. Everything just feels unbearably soft and damp. It completely falls apart after one bite, and the vegan proteins wilt the lettuce. It’s not terrible but it’s also not good ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I give it a 4.5/10.

As much as I want to eviscerate any vegan approach since I’m a burger purist, the reality is our future will likely be plant-based since we’re all going to die from climate change (huge bummer). I love to poke fun at it, but I know a vegan/vegetarian option is helpful for those with dietary restrictions, so I’ll give them a pass for a decent contribution to Burger Week. But something I CANNOT get behind is the focus on fried chicken. This is Burger Week! Unacceptable!!! Al Gore, where ya at?! Who do I have to call to fix this? Mama needs her meat!

Mad Greek Deli

I need to make an appearance at a friend’s birthday party. For some unbeknownst reason, they request that I don’t show up in the Patty Wagon dressed as Guy Fieri, sculpting burger balloon animals and pulling burgers out of a top hat? What kind of “birthday party” is it, then? Apparently, “BYOB” does not stand for bring your own burgers.

As a result, I have to cut it down to one dinner burger. I hear Mad Greek Deli is a solid contender, so I give it a shot. Right off the bat, they win the award for efficiency. Before I can finish saying “bur–” they hand it to me, fresh and hot.

Mad Greek Deli’s “Papadopolous” burger has house-made omega sauce, grilled onions, candied bacon, gooey feta, and fried pepperoncini. The feta makes the flavor come to life and the fried pepperoncinis are a nice touch. The candied bacon is unique and some of the best I’ve had. Overall, I give it an 8.5, plus bonus points for an easy to-go experience.

Day 6

Brunch Box

In another attempt to out-exercise my burger intake, I agree to go on a hike with my friend. Knowing Brunch Box is one of the earlier breakfast options, I place my order. There’s a 45-minute wait, but I give the staff major props for calmly smiling all the way through it.

Reminiscent of the Delicious Donuts burger that almost killed me during Burger Week 2016, the Brunch Box “Brunch Burger” is another heftyboi. It’s packed with a beef patty, bacon, fried egg, cheese, grilled onions, hashbrowns, and Aardvark habanero hot sauce served on a boiled everything bagel. For the only time in my life, I actually wish I was hungover because this burger alone could cure all morning-after effects. The Aardvark sauce really comes through on this one, and I love the crunchiness of the hashbrowns. It’s a heaaaavy beast (same) but I give it a high 9/10.

Boke Bowl

Even after a 6-mile hike, miraculously, I’m still not hungry due to the morning Brunch Box burger. When I reach cell signal again, I see my parents sent me a text asking for another attempt at Burger Week. Slightly agitated by their Day 4 smear campaign, they want to re-establish the possibility that they passed on the burger genes. I tell them to meet me at Farmer & The Beast

I used to live near this block in NW, and it always shocks me to see how much it changed. It’s completely transformed by new restaurants, high-rise condos, paid parking, and now a new food truck compound that includes Farmer & the Beast. After begrudgingly paying for parking, I walk a few blocks to find an unspeakable horror: a small, handwritten “CLOSED – RAN OUT” sign. From the entire list of Burger Week options, I was most excited to try this one. I had beautiful dreams of savoring it in my last serendipitous moments of Burger Week 2021. Now I need to reconcile with the harsh truth that I won’t get to try it. Stricken with grief, I feel a hollow loss inside. I’m not sure I can recover from this. Shakily, I dial my mom and murmur, “they ran out.”

We pivot to Boke Bowl. Troubled by my past trauma, I sheepishly walk inside hoping they still have a burger for me. I can see the kitchen lining up patties and toasted buns, and I’m able to breathe again. In a disturbing turn of events, my mom orders ramen. My dad orders a side of brussels sprouts. Again, the facts solidify: I did not receive my burger zeal from them. I will be discussing this in therapy.

The Boke Bowl “Vaxed” Burger has Tillamook Cheddar, Char Sui Sauce, Sichuan Chile Aioli, and Zesty Chinese Mustard Slaw on An Xuyen Bun. The bun melts in your mouth and I love the fluffiness. I can’t distinguish the pickle scale – is it considered an early pickle or a late cucumber? Nevertheless, its crunchy tanginess provides a refreshing lightness. This burger is a nice change from some of the heavier burgers and provides an interesting flavor twist. I give it an 8.5/10.

Although I’m still grieving from my Farmer & the Beast loss, I find a shred of good news. In past years, the last day was Saturday. I’m elated to discover Burger Week goes on until Sunday this year. When God closes a door, he opens a Burger Week. With one final day left, I’m ready to make the best of it, eyes glistening with hope and grease.