I sit in my living room, eating a salad and watching the Olympics. Salad – a sad meal reserved for rabbits and Real Housewives of Orange County. But like these Olympic athletes who spend their entire life training, I, too, must relentlessly prepare for the biggest moment of my life: Burger Week 2016. And that means sacrificing flavor so I can soon fill the entirety of my stomach with burgers.
Salad. Also known as a waste of stomach space. Ughhh.
Last week, I passed a group of coworkers who had just “discovered” Burger Week. The neophytes amused me, discussing how they might try a “few burgers.”
LISTEN UP, AMATEURS. This isn’t child’s play. Burger week is serious business, and as such, deserves to be diligently plotted and planned. You can’t just run around thinking you’re going to try one or two burgers at your leisure. It takes DEDICATION. SKILL. An inability to know your limits, even when you’re full! This is the Olympics of burger events. And I’m going for GOLD, baby!
But alas, like all great sports movies, this year comes with a terrible tragedy…
I received some devastating news, which will completely derail my 2016 burger week odyssey: I have to work out of state, and will only be in Portland for two days of burger week!
Enter mission Preparation H(amburger).
Only 48 hours of burger time. 49, if I play my cards right. There are 35 participating restaurants. Theoretically, it’s possible to consume all 35 burgers in 48 hours. But PER USUAL, this whole full time job thing really cramps my style. Math has never been my strong suit, but I am aware that no job = more burgers, but no job = no money = no burgers.
I did extensive research to ensure I get the most out of burger week in a very limited amount of time. Strategy decides that I will eat one burger at lunch nearby my office, and I will try to eat two dinner burgers per night, assuming the restaurants don't run out. There’s only one breakfast burger available this year, but you better believe I’ll be awake at 5 am, ready to ruin my arteries for it.
If it is within my control, I will also eat a burger for every meal while traveling. I requested an early flight home, so I hope to also eat one last burger when I land back in Portland. If all goes according to plan, I will consume 8 Burger Week burgers, which is only half of what I ate last year (tear).
Although it will not be anywhere near the same burger week experience I know and love, I'm trying to be optimistic. It’s like that age old saying: ~when live gives you hamburgers, make a cheeseburger~
Will I prevail? Or will I be forced to train for another year until I can sink my teeth into burger week victory (both metaphorically and literally)??? Time shall tell…